A Sense of Self - Tip Sheet
As a parent and clinical psychologist I am always disturbed to pick up a newspaper and find a story about young kids getting into trouble with the law. Even more worrying is to then read certain adults’ critical views about what is wrong with children who misbehave.
Why? Because the tragic truth is that many children who regularly misbehave already view themselves in a highly negative way. They may feel inadequate and lack the desire to achieve goals and face challenges. They may also believe bad things about themselves such as that they are just dumb, ugly, stupid, naughty and mean.
Adding to that negativity with a tirade of similar criticisms won’t help the situation.
What we are dealing with here is the concept of self-esteem. Self-esteem is the term psychologists use to describe that vital component of every person’s psychological make-up that defines who they are — your value as a person and how good you think you are at doing things and interacting with the world around you.
Children who have healthy self- esteem are likely to be happy,
cooperative, successful at school and make friends easily. They are fun
people to be around because they are eager to learn and succeed, and
because they cope with stress effectively.
However
self-esteem doesn’t come built-in at birth. We first learn our view of
ourselves during childhood through the interactions we have with the
people around us. As parents it is therefore very important that we help
our children develop a true sense of their own strengths and
weaknesses.
Encouraging self-esteem in children basically comes down to a consistent, positive approach to their upbringing.
Children
who receive plenty of praise and encouragement feel good about
themselves. A child who believes their parents have confidence in them
by allowing them to do certain things by themselves will learn
confidence. Telling your child you love them and spending time with them
will help your child feel valued and cared for.
It is
important also to encourage children to follow a healthy lifestyle.
Regular exercise and good grooming habits help children develop a
positive image of themselves. And when your child achieves at something
you can let them know that they should feel good about such
accomplishments — it is okay to be different and be good at different
things.
But of course, life isn’t always about winning,
despite what those sports shoes ads tell you, and it is equally
important for the development of healthy self-esteem that children learn
how to deal with disappointment.
As a reaction to not
getting what they want such as being chosen for a team, children may
sometimes put themselves down, saying things like “I’m dumb, you hate
me,” or “I’m just stupid.” If this happens, try to avoid being too
sympathetic, instead encourage your child to try again after the
set-back and to enjoy the activity or game even if they aren’t the
winner.
Rather than simply reassuring your child that
everything will be alright, you can help your child develop their own
sense of worth by letting them know that you understand their feelings
of disappointment and that you are there to help them work out a
reasonable way of dealing with that disappointment.
Remember
too, when helping your child achieve in some activity to concentrate on
effort not results. Praising your child for trying and making an
improvement will motivate them to continue trying at a difficult task.
Parenting Tip
Laughter really is a great medicine. Children who feel good about
themselves laugh spontaneously, develop a sense of humor and learn to
tell funny stories. Encourage your child to laugh by listening to their
stories, playing games and having fun together.